LOUD & VOICELESS?

 "Does God really care as they say? Do prayers even work? Do people even want to hear? Can I ever be happy? What's the essence of breathing? I do not want to be a liability to anyone, I've lost my dream and purpose, I just wanna feel fine, I just want the voices i hear to stop!!!, The war within me is so unbearable and noisy, I can't think clearly yet i think a lot, the voices are so LOUD yet I'm VOICELESS. Let me just end this miserable life of..."

  STOP RIGHT THERE! Beloved. I know it may seem as though you are alone in a dark hole. You hear laughter, chatters, bubbly voices from those who seem to be outside that dark hole. They all seem normal, goal-aspiring and life seems normal at leasy to them. They can't understand that you are in that hole alone. They think you're fine and expect you to just be fine afterall everyone got problems of their own. They sometimes meet you for help, comfort and advice expecting you to be well enough to help them afterall you look okay, probably the most good-looking and fresh in the room, the one with the prettiest smile or bubbly laugh. They don't know the war going on in your head. They don't know your struggle for survival. 

  You try so hard to be there for them, not to be a burden to them so you keep quiet. Sometimes you get so overwhelmed, you surf the internet to view remedies for your state and see "talk to someone" as a most common strategy. You try talking to someone and all they can say is " It is well, or you'll be fine or everyone got problems or choose happiness dear" or sometimes they can't even relate at all. 

  Sometimes you got a lot of tangled thoughts within you and can't even put them to words. Your vocal chords seem obstructed and all you can do is lock up yourself in a room and cry. At night, the pillows are bracing up to absorb your tears. Nothing seems interesting anymore.

  It grows worse sometimes and you find yourself in bed all day with your phone or a movie, trying to distract yourself from that war and Mummy can only see a lazy child 🤦not a fighter, not one who's trying to remain sane!. 

  You don't even know exactly what you're bothered about. It is as though the past, present and future are all in unity to destroy you. 

  

  My dear, I might not be able to bring to light exactly how you feel but you need to be reminded that admist the chaos and the voiceless noise, God still cares, I care. You were created not just to occupy space and end that life abruptly. You are a fighter, You are a very strong person. Depression must not win over you. There's no need giving up after how far you've come. There's no other option than to conquer. 

. Take things slowly..

. Do not compare yourself to anyone

. You are not useless

. You are not the worst of sinners

. Take deep breaths

. If you need to lie down all day to feel better, please do.

. Don't be afraid to speak out and if nobody seems really understanding, talk to God.

. Listen to refreshing songs, pen down, colour, etc 

. Basically just breathe. Keep breathing.

. Prayer is not an option, it is a necessity, shed those tears profitably to Him. 

. Even if your thoughts are negative, your words can be positive. Speak positive words to yourself. You will find peace soon.

  Always remember you're strong and you will conquer no matter how long it takes. Just take your time, breathe. I feel your pain and you are loved. The world needs you. SUICIDE IS NOT A GOOD OPTION. I LOVE YOU 😊❤️ and I pray you find PEACE.