SHE KNEW

   Tracing her fingers over her dry, cracked lips, Mary let the unsoothing dry-cold air of harmattan hit her bony shoulders as she stood in front of her balcony that early morning. She studied the reflection that stared back at her from the small mirror she held with lifeless, tired eyes laced with dark circles beneath, cheek bones so prominent, they could slice a tuber of yam and skin, a mixture of dehydration and struggling sebum. She knew. 

   She knew she hadn't been sleeping well as she should, she hadn't been eating well too, her bony structure could testify. What exactly had gone wrong with her? When had all of these started?

    She knew that it wasn't just her physique that connected well with the dry weather, she also felt that emptyness and dryness in her soul. It wasn't like she didn't have "love" surrounding her. She had friends who checked on her regularly, a loving spouse, two kids who were presently in school but she still felt empty and alone. There was a vacuum the largest of love she got couldn't fill. There was an unrest in her spirit that took away her sleep, there was a longing food couldn't satisfy. 

    She stepped back inside the much warmer sitting room , picked up her phone and went through the recent missed calls from the fellowship. She'd dropped all about 'faith' and 'God' since two years ago and these people never thought to call her so why now?. It couldn't possibly be God right? He didn't care about her then, why would he care now that everything seemed perfect except she knew that everything was far from perfect. 

    'Hello' she called as she picked the call that just came in. 'I am not interested', her voice came sharply few seconds later and she hung up, fuming. Not long after she hung up, 'strange' guilt clouded her heart and she had to scream, tears pouring down her face as she rushed to the bathroom. The bathroom mirror, big enough to expose her sorry state. "God!!! Is that you?!!, Why have you chosen to punish me now?! After all these years, why now?!!! Leave me alone!!". 

   "I will never leave you, nor forsake you. I have never, I will never" came a voice or perhaps a thought that impressed itself so strongly in her mind. The phone rang again and with a deep breath, she picked it. "Hello", she called more softly. 

"Hello Mary, This is Grace. I just called to let you know that He loves you" and the call ended.

    Had Grace changed as well? Had God arrested Grace and was about to arrest her too? Was that why she felt empty because she'd been starved of Him? 

     Mary shut her eyes there and then in the sitting room. "God, I miss you..." She broke down in tears. 

    St Augustine implied that we were created by God for God and there is a natural connection to him that creates a restlessness in our spirits until we find our place in Him again. Find your place in God. He never left, He never will. 

"DEAR ME"; A NOTE TO SELF

*The day was a calm day, the rays of the sun reflected from the window causing diagonal glowy lines on my worried filled face as i stared out the window. I turned back towards the small table beside my bed, picked up the exercise book there and tore the middle part of the book. 

 I took in two deep breaths as I took my pen and began to write..

  "Dear me,

       It's been a pleasure getting to know you for at least 19+ years. Tomorrow you'll be turning 20. I'm writing this because as much as you've been a pleasure, you're becoming a burdened house these days. 

     At first, I thought it was just a simple thought you let into your head thar would soon fade away but it turns out it's not ready to leave anytime soon and that is why I have decided to give you the due pep talk because I'm sure  body is tired of the increased heart rates, sleepless nights, overthinking and all the recent habits you've adopted these days. 

  See girl, I know you're turning 20, and so what?!, Yes, Sarah already has a business of her own at 18... Okay. Joyce is already in the movies and shes your age mate...ehen?, Bisola is already preparing for her master's degree at 21 and you at 20 are still dragging with ASUU in year 2...hmm.

  YOU NEED TO TAKE A BREAK!!! ...."*

 

  It is without no doubt that at a certain point in life, we all go through this stage of intense worry and anxiety. A thirst for a perfect life driving us crazy and our thoughts howling wild in our heads. It is quite normal for any good-life thirsty youth to feel this way at times. It is often fuelled by what we see around us, the successes of our friends, age mates, the rate at which time seems to be flying, the high expectations of our loved ones, our family background, the need to be better and even sometimes, motivational speakers tend to fuel it too. 

  We begin to compare ourselves to others, we begin to count each day and moment. We suddenly want so badly for that perfectly outlined life we've randomly or seriously thought of to play out exactly as planned.

  "I want to have my own house before 25", "I want to be an independent woman before getting married at 24", "I want my parents to see their grand children while they can yet still see" "I'm the first son of my family and I can't keep depending on my parents for long" and so on...

  Lots and lots of already laid out life we've made for ourselves, a rigid organization, no room for flexibility. We want it to go as planned and it gives us anxiety when it becomes clear to us that the seemingly far future is just as near as a stone-throw. 

  Sweetheart, it is time to TAKE A BREAK!!!. Worrying and anxiety coupled with insomnia won't solve anything. There's no need to "rush". You are very different from Seun or Isaac or Bola that you're comparing yourself to. Clearly, the panic of growing older eats deep but it mustn't "consume" you. 

   Stop the overthinking. Relax but don't relent, slow down but don't stop moving. Just set both short and long term achievable goals and prayerfully and consistently work towards them. All fingers are not equal, everybody is not the same. Create room for flexibility and remember;

  LIFE IS NOT A SPRINT, IT'S A MARATHON.

  *For few minutes, I found no more words to fill the remaining lines of my paper, the last words i wrote were enough to jolt back my sanity. I actually needed a break. I'd enjoy my birthday tomorrow with friends and family. Live, pray, work hard but avoid anxiety and watch things play out in God's own idea of "my perfect life". I smiled, looking back towards the window where the sun was setting beautifully. I ended my letter...

                                            Your's ever,

                                                Dinma.

 

LOUD & VOICELESS?

 "Does God really care as they say? Do prayers even work? Do people even want to hear? Can I ever be happy? What's the essence of breathing? I do not want to be a liability to anyone, I've lost my dream and purpose, I just wanna feel fine, I just want the voices i hear to stop!!!, The war within me is so unbearable and noisy, I can't think clearly yet i think a lot, the voices are so LOUD yet I'm VOICELESS. Let me just end this miserable life of..."

  STOP RIGHT THERE! Beloved. I know it may seem as though you are alone in a dark hole. You hear laughter, chatters, bubbly voices from those who seem to be outside that dark hole. They all seem normal, goal-aspiring and life seems normal at leasy to them. They can't understand that you are in that hole alone. They think you're fine and expect you to just be fine afterall everyone got problems of their own. They sometimes meet you for help, comfort and advice expecting you to be well enough to help them afterall you look okay, probably the most good-looking and fresh in the room, the one with the prettiest smile or bubbly laugh. They don't know the war going on in your head. They don't know your struggle for survival. 

  You try so hard to be there for them, not to be a burden to them so you keep quiet. Sometimes you get so overwhelmed, you surf the internet to view remedies for your state and see "talk to someone" as a most common strategy. You try talking to someone and all they can say is " It is well, or you'll be fine or everyone got problems or choose happiness dear" or sometimes they can't even relate at all. 

  Sometimes you got a lot of tangled thoughts within you and can't even put them to words. Your vocal chords seem obstructed and all you can do is lock up yourself in a room and cry. At night, the pillows are bracing up to absorb your tears. Nothing seems interesting anymore.

  It grows worse sometimes and you find yourself in bed all day with your phone or a movie, trying to distract yourself from that war and Mummy can only see a lazy child 🤦not a fighter, not one who's trying to remain sane!. 

  You don't even know exactly what you're bothered about. It is as though the past, present and future are all in unity to destroy you. 

  

  My dear, I might not be able to bring to light exactly how you feel but you need to be reminded that admist the chaos and the voiceless noise, God still cares, I care. You were created not just to occupy space and end that life abruptly. You are a fighter, You are a very strong person. Depression must not win over you. There's no need giving up after how far you've come. There's no other option than to conquer. 

. Take things slowly..

. Do not compare yourself to anyone

. You are not useless

. You are not the worst of sinners

. Take deep breaths

. If you need to lie down all day to feel better, please do.

. Don't be afraid to speak out and if nobody seems really understanding, talk to God.

. Listen to refreshing songs, pen down, colour, etc 

. Basically just breathe. Keep breathing.

. Prayer is not an option, it is a necessity, shed those tears profitably to Him. 

. Even if your thoughts are negative, your words can be positive. Speak positive words to yourself. You will find peace soon.

  Always remember you're strong and you will conquer no matter how long it takes. Just take your time, breathe. I feel your pain and you are loved. The world needs you. SUICIDE IS NOT A GOOD OPTION. I LOVE YOU 😊❤️ and I pray you find PEACE.